Taking the leap of faith - Will it ever be the right time?

Warning, I am being a moaning minny so apologies for the doom and gloom, but I feel this is an important topic to cover. I am sure that I am not the only one out there who is going, or have gone through these struggles.

So good news first (yes there is some lol), I have officially been given another book to work on… yay! So that is two I am working on for the rest of the year. Now the bad news… it might well kill me ha ha. Well ok, maybe that’s a tad on the dramatic side,  but it is safe to say that I am going to be a teeny bit busy up until Christmas. For the first time ever I have had to tell people that I cannot physically do any more work until 2016. 

I am so grateful that I am fortunate enough to have job offers coming in but I  am also a little wary. I haven’t had a break since February now so I won’t lie…. as much as I am really looking forward to working on the new books I am also a little concerned that I will have yet another burn out spell. Generally I try not to do more than 2 books a year as they are quite time consuming. Juggling commissions around the day job, children and general day to day stuff is really quite tricky. I vowed when I was working on Animania and Animal Stories For The Young 4 earlier this year that I wouldn’t put myself in that situation again….. famous last words!

This year I have worked on 4 books plus my Animania colouring book. This is on top of a very complicated house move and a family health scare… just in case I get bored. It has been a year that has been quite ridiculous, at one point I really thought someone up there was having  a laugh.  As a result I have been run down with insomnia spells, woman flu, and what I can only describe as a panic attack, that was a horrible feeling! I have been more snappy and not listening to what others are saying, literally floating about in my own little bubble. It is not all doom and gloom some great things happened this year which I am so grateful for, I moved into a lovely home and will have my own little studio next year. I published my first book and finally seeing results with my work so there is a lot of good going on too.

However, here comes the moan….It has got to the point now that I am struggling to do this and my day job. My typical day comprises of getting up, doing the school run, go to work, school run, cook dinner, general housey and mumsy stuff then by about 8ish I can start painting/sketching. I occasionally have a day off but more often than not it doesn’t happen. In fact it has got to the point now that when I do actually watch something on telly I feel really guilty, it just feels so naughty sitting there and relaxing.... this isn't a healthy way to live your life.

Before I go off on a rant and play the “poor me” card I do want to stress that I love what I do and I am so so grateful that I have commissions coming in, but it’s getting to the point where I am having to seriously think about the future. There have been a few comments now that have hit home, the children have commented on the fact that I am art obsessed and working too much, my husband has said he wants his old wife back… can you imagine how heart breaking this is to hear. I hate that I am changing and I try so so hard to not get stressed or snappy but it just get’s too much at times. My biggest fear is that the children will grow up thinking that their Mum is some work obsessed mentalist who didn’t have time for them.

So last week I had to sit down and have “the chat” about the possibility of leaving the day job and doing this full time. Well it went down like a lead balloon and the whole thing was rather depressing. It really kicked me in the stomach, all I have been working towards is to do this full time and now I am beginning to think it will never happen and I am destined to either a) give it all up or b) just do it as a hobby or c) carry on working like a nutter and turn into some kind of crazy scary woman in the process, that everyone will come to resent. I stumbled across this quote and it sums up exactly how I feel right now  “It’s hard to wait around for something that may never happen; but it’s even harder to give up when you think it’s everything you want”  

You see my job works perfectly around the school hours and is quite well paid so at the end of the day, could I earn as much through what I am doing? The answer is, I really don’t know, it is such a risky choice to make. I was convinced I could make a go of this, but now I am feeling incredibly insecure about it all, what if it does all go pear shaped? At what point do I take the leap? Right now is not the right time but at what point is it the right time? Do I really have  to run myself to the ground to find out? So many questions have filled my head the last week.

I have seen many people make the transition but the majority is because they have been forced into the situation, the timing was right for them. They have no regrets though and even though there is that worry of an unsteady income the overall vibe I have received is that it was the best thing they ever did, they are living their dreams. But then there are some that are really struggling to find the jobs to pay for their rent. It is such a tough choice to make and something you cannot take lightly when you have little mouths to feed.

I am in limbo with the whole thing now. I have started contacting agents again, if I had an agent on my side then that would give me a security blanket but so far we are 7 rejections in and as much as I am trying to stay positive I am not so sure anymore. So where does this leave me? Well I will carry on as I am, get these two books finished and then assess the situation again. If any more jobs come in next year then something needs to change,  because I refuse to go through another year like that again. It is so so hard balancing family life, work life and pursuing a different career path but my family will always come first. The last week has been a real wake up call and it is time I start to prioritize things differently. I am going to have to be much quieter on social media for a start so apologies now for being distant.

I am normally a very positive person and always try to make others happy so I hate writing posts like this, but it is important to show that life isn’t always a bunch of roses. We all struggle and the black spells happen to everyone. I think that is why I always try to make people laugh or put on this positive happy, happy front, it’s because I know what  it’s like to feel worthless, insecure and inadequate…. Strong words I know, but this is genuinely how I feel at times, more so this year. It is a horrible feeling, but luckily these spells do pass and the majority of the time I am all about the lols. My heart goes out to people who suffer from depression because it must be awful when you can’t talk yourself out of it. When I have a bad spell I try really hard to focus on all the good, that helps me a lot. I also remind myself of the bigger things going on in the world and how my silly little meltdowns are really irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, there are people out there who are really suffering and do not have the things that I do. I have my health, my children, a loving husband, amazing family and friends and a roof over my head... there is a lot to smile about.

Anyway the remainder of my posts will all be happy, happy now for the rest of the year, even if I do age 20 years ha ha. I have taken my frown and turned it upside down.

Have you taken the leap of faith and left all that was comfortable to live your dreams? I could really do with some input on this one so please do leave a comment below.

With The Highs Come The Lows

Well the start of the month hasn't been great. I am usually upbeat about things and even though I have little blips now and again overall I am quite positive about how things are progressing. However I do have the odd spell where I get so frustrated with all of this, everything winds me up and it gets to the point it all bubbles to the surface and I have to vent out. It didn't help that I was struck down with the cold from hell at the beginning of the month so was feeling very sorry for myself anyway. A mix of things got to me and I had one of my spells of wanting time out and throwing something onto a canvas.

 So why do I get like this? Ready for the rant he he……. Well I used to get frustrated about how I don’t have as much time as I would like to dedicate to my artwork and how I am stuck in a rut with the day job. However I have learned to accept that now, and as much as it would be nice to have more time I am grateful for having a secure steady income and I wouldn't change not having the kids about for the world. So that frustration has eased off now but it used to niggle at me.

The latest cause of my grey spell is the paranoia you get from these social media sites. It absolutely does my head in! I get so tired of constantly doubting myself  with either a) how I come across to others or b) how good my work is. I was never part of the cool gang at school, I was more part of that little group of misfits, each with their own unique quirky way. I feel  a bit like I have gone back to school on some sites, not quite fitting in but meeting some wonderful people along the way. I can’t stress enough how grateful I am for the support I do have but I really do get left scratching my head a lot with other incidents. I have to learn to accept that not everyone will get you and to really not dwell on any negative vibes that come my way. I need to stop focusing on the “what’s wrong with me” and start focusing on my work and the people that really matter.

Then there’s the constant rejections you get, anyone who has tried approaching publishers /agents will vouch for this. It can be utterly soul destroying let alone so intimidating. The talent out there is absolutely ridiculous so you are constantly unsure whether you are good enough. It’s one thing having self belief but when all you get is rejection letter after rejection letter it can really get to you. It takes a lot of hard work contacting them, you have to be so careful with how you word your covering  letter. You have to try and sell yourself, appear a little different to the norm but not in a bad way, giving enough info to intrigue them but yet not boring them to death. Just writing the cover letter itself takes a lot of planning and tweeking and each publisher / agent has to have a bespoke one. Then you have to really research who you approach, making sure that they are perfect for you, sifting through all their published titles, the current illustrators they work with etc. It is not an easy I task I assure you! so you do all this, follow their strict guidelines, and for what….. a brief thanks but no thanks. No advice on why you are rejected just a “we really enjoyed reading / looking at your work but no, not suitable” or “our books are full”. I know they have hundreds of these letters to go through and can’t advise as to why you were not successful, but my god it’s depressing!! I have officially given up with the agent route for my book but I will be trying to contact them again for my illustration work later this year once my new site is up and running.

I was on a real downer with it all but chatting to an old school bud and some new ones really helped me and I decided to take a step back from social media for a  few days and do something just for me. This was the result. I did no prelim sketching with this as I didn't want it to be planned, I just wanted to get stuck in and get lost in something. I got my brushes out and dived straight in, not caring how it would turn out or if anything wasn't placed correctly, my theory was just add more paint if it looked iffy and if it was really terrible, who cares! I had this image floating about for a while which I thought was beautiful and I don’t know… it just seemed fitting. I haven’t attempted one of these in 3 years so the initial blank board was somewhat intimidating , but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I can’t say I am  happy with her, it needs a lot of work but it was a good therapeutic exercise.

The last time I had a bad spell like this was the last time I painted anything of this size. This was the result… says it all eh lol I admit it’s not great , some of the faces are well dodge, but I do like the concept and it did the trick, haven’t felt that pent up with my work for 3 years. Hopefully the angel will keep me going now for a while. I thoroughly enjoyed doing this and really feel like a massive weight has been lifted. I know some people won’t get any of this and might even think I need therapy he he  but I am sure all the artists out there, professional or non professional will have felt like this at some point. Talking with other people gets me through it plus doing pieces like this. Art can be very therapeutic, you can forget this at times. Sometimes it’s good just to have  a break from the norm and just do something completely different with no planning whatsoever, just go for it and literally throw paint or your medium of choice to paper.

These two were also done at the beginning of my 5 year rebirth, I was very frustrated back then but that was mainly because I wasn't at the level I wanted to be and just didn't get where I was going with it all, hence the anger and feeling lost vibe with it. I sound like a right weirdo here lol, I am really quite sane… well sort of he he. I just thought it was important to show this side to what I do as it does unfortunately rear it’s ugly head now and again.

So I would like to end  this blog on “good riddance!” grey spell and “welcome back colour”!!