Taking the leap of faith - Will it ever be the right time?

Warning, I am being a moaning minny so apologies for the doom and gloom, but I feel this is an important topic to cover. I am sure that I am not the only one out there who is going, or have gone through these struggles.

So good news first (yes there is some lol), I have officially been given another book to work on… yay! So that is two I am working on for the rest of the year. Now the bad news… it might well kill me ha ha. Well ok, maybe that’s a tad on the dramatic side,  but it is safe to say that I am going to be a teeny bit busy up until Christmas. For the first time ever I have had to tell people that I cannot physically do any more work until 2016. 

I am so grateful that I am fortunate enough to have job offers coming in but I  am also a little wary. I haven’t had a break since February now so I won’t lie…. as much as I am really looking forward to working on the new books I am also a little concerned that I will have yet another burn out spell. Generally I try not to do more than 2 books a year as they are quite time consuming. Juggling commissions around the day job, children and general day to day stuff is really quite tricky. I vowed when I was working on Animania and Animal Stories For The Young 4 earlier this year that I wouldn’t put myself in that situation again….. famous last words!

This year I have worked on 4 books plus my Animania colouring book. This is on top of a very complicated house move and a family health scare… just in case I get bored. It has been a year that has been quite ridiculous, at one point I really thought someone up there was having  a laugh.  As a result I have been run down with insomnia spells, woman flu, and what I can only describe as a panic attack, that was a horrible feeling! I have been more snappy and not listening to what others are saying, literally floating about in my own little bubble. It is not all doom and gloom some great things happened this year which I am so grateful for, I moved into a lovely home and will have my own little studio next year. I published my first book and finally seeing results with my work so there is a lot of good going on too.

However, here comes the moan….It has got to the point now that I am struggling to do this and my day job. My typical day comprises of getting up, doing the school run, go to work, school run, cook dinner, general housey and mumsy stuff then by about 8ish I can start painting/sketching. I occasionally have a day off but more often than not it doesn’t happen. In fact it has got to the point now that when I do actually watch something on telly I feel really guilty, it just feels so naughty sitting there and relaxing.... this isn't a healthy way to live your life.

Before I go off on a rant and play the “poor me” card I do want to stress that I love what I do and I am so so grateful that I have commissions coming in, but it’s getting to the point where I am having to seriously think about the future. There have been a few comments now that have hit home, the children have commented on the fact that I am art obsessed and working too much, my husband has said he wants his old wife back… can you imagine how heart breaking this is to hear. I hate that I am changing and I try so so hard to not get stressed or snappy but it just get’s too much at times. My biggest fear is that the children will grow up thinking that their Mum is some work obsessed mentalist who didn’t have time for them.

So last week I had to sit down and have “the chat” about the possibility of leaving the day job and doing this full time. Well it went down like a lead balloon and the whole thing was rather depressing. It really kicked me in the stomach, all I have been working towards is to do this full time and now I am beginning to think it will never happen and I am destined to either a) give it all up or b) just do it as a hobby or c) carry on working like a nutter and turn into some kind of crazy scary woman in the process, that everyone will come to resent. I stumbled across this quote and it sums up exactly how I feel right now  “It’s hard to wait around for something that may never happen; but it’s even harder to give up when you think it’s everything you want”  

You see my job works perfectly around the school hours and is quite well paid so at the end of the day, could I earn as much through what I am doing? The answer is, I really don’t know, it is such a risky choice to make. I was convinced I could make a go of this, but now I am feeling incredibly insecure about it all, what if it does all go pear shaped? At what point do I take the leap? Right now is not the right time but at what point is it the right time? Do I really have  to run myself to the ground to find out? So many questions have filled my head the last week.

I have seen many people make the transition but the majority is because they have been forced into the situation, the timing was right for them. They have no regrets though and even though there is that worry of an unsteady income the overall vibe I have received is that it was the best thing they ever did, they are living their dreams. But then there are some that are really struggling to find the jobs to pay for their rent. It is such a tough choice to make and something you cannot take lightly when you have little mouths to feed.

I am in limbo with the whole thing now. I have started contacting agents again, if I had an agent on my side then that would give me a security blanket but so far we are 7 rejections in and as much as I am trying to stay positive I am not so sure anymore. So where does this leave me? Well I will carry on as I am, get these two books finished and then assess the situation again. If any more jobs come in next year then something needs to change,  because I refuse to go through another year like that again. It is so so hard balancing family life, work life and pursuing a different career path but my family will always come first. The last week has been a real wake up call and it is time I start to prioritize things differently. I am going to have to be much quieter on social media for a start so apologies now for being distant.

I am normally a very positive person and always try to make others happy so I hate writing posts like this, but it is important to show that life isn’t always a bunch of roses. We all struggle and the black spells happen to everyone. I think that is why I always try to make people laugh or put on this positive happy, happy front, it’s because I know what  it’s like to feel worthless, insecure and inadequate…. Strong words I know, but this is genuinely how I feel at times, more so this year. It is a horrible feeling, but luckily these spells do pass and the majority of the time I am all about the lols. My heart goes out to people who suffer from depression because it must be awful when you can’t talk yourself out of it. When I have a bad spell I try really hard to focus on all the good, that helps me a lot. I also remind myself of the bigger things going on in the world and how my silly little meltdowns are really irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, there are people out there who are really suffering and do not have the things that I do. I have my health, my children, a loving husband, amazing family and friends and a roof over my head... there is a lot to smile about.

Anyway the remainder of my posts will all be happy, happy now for the rest of the year, even if I do age 20 years ha ha. I have taken my frown and turned it upside down.

Have you taken the leap of faith and left all that was comfortable to live your dreams? I could really do with some input on this one so please do leave a comment below.